


Feel

by SkyBluePinkWithPurpleDots



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Broken Bucky Barnes, M/M, One sided, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wax Play, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 12:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4625514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyBluePinkWithPurpleDots/pseuds/SkyBluePinkWithPurpleDots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A re-write of an old fic for another fandom that seemed ridiculously Steve/Bucky when I re-read it. Very sad. It's one-sided unless you read the feelings as being returned but buried deep, that's up to you, dear Reader.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel

Bucky didn’t know when they started adding pain to their sex sessions. He didn’t know when they stopped having sex without the pain. The sex had always been rough anyway. Stress relief, he supposed. 

They weren’t in love or anything. Well, Bucky wasn’t. Bucky felt like the pain helped him deal with that. Like he was being punished for abusing someone else’s feelings. Not that he had ever been on that side of things. Hydra had seen to it that Bucky didn’t consider himself worthy of such feelings from anyone.

So the pain makes it ok. He deserves the pain because he isn’t worthy of the other man’s affection. He isn’t worthy of anyone’s affection. Certainly not the man he was with right now. No, that man deserved more than this. More than a worthless thing like himself.

Bucky hissed as the wax fell on his chest. Wax was good, it burned but didn’t scar. He could join in summer gatherings without worrying what the others could see. Bucky liked winter. They were more covered up in winter, there could be bruises and burns then. But for now he would settle with the fleeting pain that wax gave him.

He leaned back, not wanting to meet the eyes of the other man. Not wanting to see the familiar combination of sadness and frustration that he had seen so many many times before. He didn’t know if the other man liked doing this to him, but it was too late now. He needed it, he needed to be punished for hurting him, to be punished and used and abused like he should be, like Hydra had done, like he deserved.

He needed the pain.

He wanted the pain.

He wanted to be destroyed.

He took a deep breath and did the thing he knew would hurt himself the most.

He opened his eyes.

And met Steve’s.

***

All Steve wanted to do was make Bucky feel….something.

Whenever Bucky thought no-one was looking, Steve saw the blank look settle back onto his face. Like there was nothing inside, like Bucky was empty.

There was a time when Steve thought he could be the one to fill Bucky back up, to make him feel happy, loved. But when Bucky invited Steve to his bedroom that first night, Steve had realised that Bucky was still far more broken than any of them knew. He let Steve make love to him, but it didn’t seem like Bucky was really there.

He’d tried so hard to please Bucky, to make him understand that Steve loved him and wouldn’t ever hurt him like Hydra had. He had hated it at first, the way Bucky didn’t respond to any of his affection, and it had frustrated him. And he became rougher with Bucky, and one day he crossed the line and caused physical pain to the man he loved.

He remembered every detail of that night. Every look, every smell, every feeling he had had when he first hurt Bucky. But the strongest memory was the look in Bucky’s eyes. The look that had moved from pain and shock to resignation and acceptance within the space of a few seconds.

And Bucky had reached for Steve. Bucky had responded to the pain, Bucky had felt something.

Steve didn’t exactly understand what emotions Bucky felt when they were together, when he hurt the older man. But as he reached for the candle he understood why he was causing Bucky to wince and cry whenever they were together.

All he wanted to do was make Bucky feel…

...anything.


End file.
